In Kingdom Come: Deliverance 2, Henry of Skalitz isn’t just a medieval everyman fighting for justice—he’s also a master of hilariously terrible excuses when caught red-handed. Warhorse Studios has dialed up the realism in this sequel, but they’ve also given Henry a knack for stumbling into crime and then talking his way out (or failing spectacularly) with some of the dumbest explanations imaginable. Whether he’s pickpocketing, brawling, or worse, these 15 absurd excuses showcase Henry’s unearned confidence—and we’re dying to know which one cracked you up the most in the comments on our Facebook page!

1. “I Was Just Checking for Bees!”

Caught rifling through a merchant’s purse, Henry blurts, “There was a bee on it!”—as if medieval Bohemia’s guards care about his entomological concerns.

2. “He Was Thinking About Hitting Me!”

After punching a villager, Henry’s defense is pure gold: “It was self-defense; he was thinking about hitting me.” Sure, Henry, mind-reading’s a solid alibi.

3. “I’m Half-Deaf from Battle!”

Stopped with stolen goods, Henry pretends a war wound messed up his hearing. The guard’s not buying it, but the effort’s comedy perfection.

4. “I Was Quite Hungry, You See”

Busted stealing bread, Henry shrugs, “I was quite hungry,” like starvation justifies a bakery heist in broad daylight.

5. “Don’t You Know Who I Am?!”

After torching a barn (accidentally, of course), Henry pulls the “famous hero” card. Spoiler: The guards don’t recognize him—or care.

6. “It’s a Gift for the Church!”

Snagged with a noble’s silver chalice, Henry insists it’s a donation. The priest nearby doesn’t back him up, and the lie flops hard.

7. “The Horse Followed Me Home!”

Caught with a “borrowed” steed, Henry claims, “It followed me home!”—as if horses just adopt random peasants.

8. “I Tripped and Fell Into the Fight”

After a tavern brawl, Henry’s excuse—“I tripped and accidentally punched him”—is as clumsy as his fists.

9. “Saltpeter? Oh, That’s Praying Salt!”

Asked about stolen saltpeter, Henry babbles, “You take salt and pray to St. Peter to transform it!” Chemistry’s not his forte.

10. “I Was Testing the Lock!”

Busted breaking into a house, Henry says he was “testing the lock for weaknesses.” The homeowner’s not impressed.

11. “The Dog Made Me Do It”

Blame the pup! After looting a shed, Henry points to his loyal hound, claiming, “He told me to grab it!” Nice try, buddy.

12. “It’s a Misunderstanding—I’m Drunk!”

Reeling from mead, Henry slurs this gem after a bar fight. Drunkenness doesn’t excuse the chaos, but it’s peak Henry.

13. “I Thought It Was My House!”

Caught trespassing, Henry insists he got the wrong address. In a village of 20 huts, that’s a stretch even for him.

14. “I Was Helping Him Find His Coin!”

Pickpocketing gone wrong leads to, “I was helping him find his lost coin—in his pocket!” Bold, dumb, and doomed.

15. “Crimbo? It’s Like Hell, But Colorful!”

Trying to explain purgatory mid-heist, Henry invents “Crimbo,” a vibrant underground hell. Theology’s not his strength.

Why These Excuses Are Everything

Henry’s dumbest excuses aren’t just failures—they’re a testament to Kingdom Come: Deliverance 2’s blend of gritty realism and unexpected humor. His bumbling charm turns every crime into a comedy show, making you root for him even when he’s clearly guilty. Which of these whoppers had you laughing—or groaning—the hardest? Swing by our Facebook page and let us know in the comments—we’re ready to debate the dumbest of the dumb!