(Image credit: Square Enix)

Square Enix has just released its financial results for the first three quarters of the financial year (i.e. April 2024 through to the end of December), among which is an impressive uptick in merch sales (thanks, GR+). And the hand-rubbing executives have no problem giving credit where credit’s due: It’s “mainly driven by strong sales of character merchandise” and three items in particular.

Over these nine months the publisher sold 14.9 billion yen ($97 million) worth of merch, compared to 12.4 billion yen over the same period in 2023, and only one of the three main drivers is pure and innocent. Square Enix credits the year-on-year increase in sales to a Dragon Quest set, a Tifa Lockheart action figure, and a wildly expensive three-feet tall statue of Nier: Automata’s 2B.

OK: Own up. Who has been buying the $2,600 Masterline Deluxe 2B statue? Or even the regular version at a mere $2,400? You’re all going to go blind.

The Tifa Lockheart figure is based on the original game’s character design rather than the Rebirth version, and next to 2B is a relative snip at $130. For an action figure! One that of course boasts 23 points of articulation, “Tifa’s signature waist-length black hair tied at the end, as well as her gloves, boots, and suspenders all faithfully recreated in 3D to instill a sense of nostalgia.”

All very cool. It’s the 2B statues where things get a little indecent: The basic version doesn’t look so bad at first glance, outside of that eye-watering price tag, being basically 2B in her game costume… though then you notice it does feature her skirt being wafted up to expose a good view of her bottom.

It’s the deluxe version that is just straight-up a bit late night TV. 2B gets a swappable head part with her face exposed, and a swappable body that ditches the skirt completely for a body suit that’s bordering on lingerie. You and I both know what Square Enix means in the item’s official description when it says the deluxe statue “includes a variety of parts that bring out the character’s appeal to the fullest.”

The description goes on to elaborate that the statue includes “a head part without combat goggles, a right arm part with the ‘Virtuous Contract’ in hand and pointed down, and a lower body part in self-destruct mode.” That’s why she doesn’t have a skirt! Self-destruct mode!

Square Enix ends by saying the statue “combines power, presence, and beauty.” Sure it does you dirty sods. I suppose a horned up statue’s still better than the Disco Elysium poverty chic plastic bag, though at least with that you can carry your shopping home.